Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Easy enough.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.