“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in