them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
You Might Also Like
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.