Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
classic mixup
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]