Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing