Krampus.
You Might Also Like
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
absolute chaos
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.