*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
got so much cardio in today
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library