*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth