[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.