“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.