@TravLeBlanc: "Sensitive" guys who only retweet chicks, you're not fooling anyone.
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@Marlebean: Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00. Me: I can't come, I'm allergic. Boss: But we're not serving food. Me: ... yeah now I really can't come.
@withanewname: [shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
@librarianfonz: I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.
@SteveSuckington: Fun prank: 1: steal your married friends phone 2: change your name to "Brandi from the club" 3: call them repeatedly and hang up at 3AM