“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
2022 will be better than 2021
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Worlds greatest photobomb
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”