Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam