Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.