Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Put my back out twerking in the library again
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.