Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
From my Mom
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME