We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
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Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped