Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
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Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.