Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Perfect
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.