SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
who named him groot and not spruce lee