Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
A new level of troll.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go