[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Dead sexy!!
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?