Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming