serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You Might Also Like
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.