Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
where the womens at?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: