Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I thought this was funny lol
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN