Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic