Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Baller is short for ballerina
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.