Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
That lamp looks PISSED.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.