Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.