Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun