Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
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The options really are this bad
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.