@CheryeDavis: Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don't look rude. Now it looks like I'm all excited about stupid shit, and I'm Okay!! with that.
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@BuckyIsotope: TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find? ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
@Shelts99: Neighbour:How's the wife? Me:Glowing Neighbour:Pregnant? Me:No, she's on fire, just going for more wood Neighbour:You're sick Me:You're next
@hythemafia: To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
@SteveSuckington: [GOP Debate] MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat? CRUZ: what? MODERATOR: I knew it!