If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
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Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
me refusing to leave twitter
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Spa day..😅
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.