*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
R.I.P.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Grandmother clock.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’