*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life