[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
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I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]