*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Brands during Pride
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
oh my god
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.