Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Awwwww shit.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
what?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.