Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My favorite farside!!
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on