settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
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My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.