I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
A man of commitment.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?