[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait