[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
You Might Also Like
I’m giving up for Lent.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.