Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
wtf is a larm clock?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’d rather fork than spoon.