[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Smooooooth
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen