Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.