Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.