My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
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I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
early stone age tool
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.