[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.