Sex so good you see dead people.
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Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
If you know, you know
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?