Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me when my alarm goes off
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.