Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
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Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I cannot call her anything else now
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah