[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
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There’s no “us” in nachos.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in